today i went to eat pho with my buddy szu chu. my day wasn't going so well since i didn't know i had work at 10 in the morning because i thought my shift would start at 5. well, i woke up this morning to my phone ringing and looked at it, it said 'walgreens.' surely i didn't sleep til 5! my pharmacist on the other line said 'where the hell are you.' apparently i was supposed to be at work at 10. the time was 10:10 and i was at work by 10:15, which means i only missed 15 minutes of work, not to brag though :P. tired, irritated, and slightly hungover i was a hot mess. getting off at 3 i had to help my friend move her entire life into her new apartment. i was starving...so we went to eat pho...i digress from my frantic day to get to the point. so we went to eat pho and there was a kid behind us crying his ass off. maybe two years old, give or take. you could tell he did not want to be here, he was fucking pissed. now, i don't know if i'm exaggerating this because i was already irritated or maybe i really can't stand babies crying. i realize, if this was a vietnamese kid he would not be throwing a fit because the parents would already have spanked the shit out of him. not like child abuse but an amount i find too unbearable. i don't remember much of how i was punished when i was a kid since my mom died when i was a wee child. but what i do remember consisted of being put in a dark closet or something. it sounds like child abuse but i guess my dad really never needed to punish my sister and i because we were so obedient, or sneaky. it's weird the way me and my sister turned out. i would say my dad did a good job of raising us but some would beg to differ. he didn't force ideals into our minds, he just let us think for ourselves. of course, don't stray to far from god but that was the most he's lectured us. my sister and i love our dad because of this. he's someone i really do look up to. he taught us not to judge (even though he did it himself) not to screw people over, (acting like your back is broken in a mini fenderbender to get money from insurance) be good to everyone. he taught well.

so i have given up on titles. what's the point, you're going to read my blog anyways so whatever. anyways.......this morning my cousin calls me with a dilemma. a relationship ended and who's to blame? the neglected boyfriend or the attention-craving friends? apparently, in this case you can't have your cake and eat it too. well the relationship has already ended but my cousin and i have come to a common consensus that when it comes between the guy and the friends, you go for the guy. that's right, you go for the guy. now i might sound like a sucky friend right now but god dammit if they were true friends they'd understand, right? i only find this between really close friends and family. if me and my sister were just casually hanging out and boy calls, i go for boy, she's cool, all is good. and that's why i love debra :P friends and family can't give you intimacy and closeness that a significant other can and they're supposed to be there for you unconditionally. well, after a long crazy drawn out story my cousin is still left in shambles and i'm helping him cope. screw the friends because they're obviously jealous. win the guy back and learn your lesson that these friends of yours are bitter because they don't have what you have. what can i say but 'misery loves company.'

i still miss him slightly. not as much as i used to since i've moved on. last night i saw him again and we were civil. dinner was chill, everything was good. i can tell he missed me and i missed him too, having him in front of my face. all the things he said flashback to me. stuff like "if you ever try pot i'll never talk to you again," and "all we have in common is the past," and "she's my girlfriend now"; just to remind myself how much of a tool he was. driving him home i remembered all the things i didn't like about him. just stuff he'd say and things he'd do that i was annoyed with when were were together. when our night was done he made me his reason to break up with his girlfriend. i never want to be that person, the other girl. he wanted more from me but i wasn't going to give it to him. first because i have someone else that i like so much more, second i knew he would just leave me again. he asked me if i regretted anything with the person i found, i said 'no' since this person at least acts like he cares about me. i feel bad because i still like him.

it's so funny how i want the qualities my sister has and vice versa. she thinks I'm upfront and in your face and I tell it like it is. for some reason i just don't see that but it's something she admires. i wish i could be as compassionate as she is. i think she's real, what you see is what you get and sometimes i don't see that in myself.

i got to experience something today that i really don't think is a big deal. smoking for the first time. it's a college thing and i find that now is the time to try it.

this relationship i'm in is fake. well, it's not even an official relationship. but when i'm around him i'm not being myself. I'm trying to be this really chill, heartless, and emotionless girl. and if you don't know me, i'm the total opposite. the reason i'm putting on this facade is so i won't get hurt but i have a feeling i'll be thrown to the curbside. i need to find a guy that cares.

to care or not to care, that is my question.

I don't know how much he likes me but people say things like "if he really liked you, he'd let you go now." ....well, what if he didn't like me? would he keep me tagging along? my really disproportional reasoning. my crazy speculating....yeah, it needs to stop.

what is up with all these uneven relationships. one person that's giving their all and one that just cops out. not that i'm saying mine is or anything.

today felt like an awkward day. got to hang out with my most favorite cousin but it was just, meh. i did get a lot of studying done which is nice, but then i did some fb stalking with the cuz and found some disturbing things (things that other wouldn't find disturbing because they don't read into it as much as i do) geeezus. what do i care? right?

I realize that I think too much. Well, actually, Alex helped me come to this realization. So I totally hate it when this happens but once you watch a movie you compare your life to it. It's one of my crazy habits. I saw the movie 'The Ugly Truth' and I'm thinking, 'That is my life!' I like to analyze everything to death and it sucks and I wish I don't do that but I do, so I guess whatever??

I've been having crazy mood swings and I'm not on my period. Strange. And it all has to do with this summer boy thing. One minute I'm like "it's just a fling" and the other minute it's like "I'm never going to see you again" Sadness. I'm a little happy for the summer to come to a close. I really need the break...hmm. this entry sounds almost like the one at the end of spring semester.

Yesterday night was fun, but unneccessary. I've got a slight hangover but I aced my quiz this morning so it was worth coming to class. My body still feels tired but I know that I need to keep studying. Got to hang out with some super cool people that really cheered me up. Oh yea, I was sad because I like to analyze why he didn't want to hang out with me. There's nothing wrong with him, he's perfect. I'm just a pshyco bitch that just needs to....take a breather. So to drown my sorrows with all the speculations of what he could be up to I downed 5+ beers which I then threw up to get out of my system. Oh, what a night! I think that's why I stopped caring today.

Plans for the break: So i really want to go to a national park. I don't care where, just any national park. Who's up?? Weekends are taken by work so that's a no-go for all you planning trips out there. I also want to play tennis, run, swim (before it gets cold)

I've also been thinking about halloween for some reason. It's my most beloved holiday of all times. Yeah, take that Christmas! Plans for halloween: make cupcakes, carve pumpkins, make cookies, buy candy....I just can't wait for fall to be here. And I'm excited to wear cardigans and scarves. Le sigh.

last week of summer

....school that is. summer school. i'm looking back and time sure has flown by. it was like yesterday that i went bike riding with a small group. like the other summers i've had, this one i won't forget. i know it's a bit early for my reflection blog of the summer but after having a beer and watching tv for an hour....what the hell.

i'm probably going to miss just me and matt living together but i know were going to have a fun semester with the underclassmen. the apartment is peaceful but we need some life in here. i'm looking forward to the extra company. i know debra and i will end up decking out the place in our lavish craftiness.

compared to last summer i didn't get out that much. possibly due to the 100 degree weather. otherwise i'd be riding my bike to class everyday. also i don't have a demanding boyfriend that forces to exercise because i'm a total fatass! i did run a few times which felt nice. i only do this because i think it'll make me look more tone but how much more tone can i get....and i don't mean this in the conceited way either. there was so much that i feel like i haven't accomplished this summer like i planned. all of which were outdoor activities: more tennis, more swimming, more bike riding, more running.

other than that i filled my time with more indoor activities: watching movies, hanging out with friends, chilling with troy, shopping, partying, painting, decking out my place without the sister. studying some here and there. overall it has been a good summer

i'm also scared what the future holds for me and a close friend i've made this summer. i like him so much and we've been having a lot of fun this summer. we aren't serious enough to discuss how our relationship will progress after the summer...i just can't help but dwell on what's going to happen. the situation is so 50/50 i don't really know what's going to happen.

but hell...still got a week to go.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for seeing you, all for the wrong reasons. Tired of missing you when I shouldn't. I want this to be strictly a summer relationship, but I only want this so I won't get hurt because heartbreak is inevitable. I have to prove to you that I'm not attached, yet I still want you. What do you want from me? We are from two different worlds. Compared to you I haven't lived half as much as you have. You surround yourself with frat-tastic boys, rich kids with cool parents that will buy them liquor. That life is so superficial and as for me, what you see is what you get. I like to see that's what draws you to me. I'm trying more to not judge people based on their parents' income. I've always had a thing against rich kids, maybe because I envied their easy lives. How they got everything they wanted and got away with anything. I especially envy those who are smart just for the hell of it. You are one of them. But I have to understand, you didn't choose your fate. I mean, what are you going to do with all that money anyways. The only thing you can do is spend it. Maybe i should be an anthropologist. Jaja.

he loves me, he loves me not

I find myself falling deeper and deeper for him. I realize this because I miss him uncontrollably when he's not there. We didn't hang out for one day and I freaked out, questioning whether he liked me or not. Of course he does! :P Sadly he won't be making my birthday dinner but I'm fine with that. Just whoever can come would be kosher. I am super pshyched!

I really hope he doesn't know about this blog. This is for follower's eye's only!!!

reality sets in

The summer sure is flying and I really don't want it to end. I want to sit under a tree with boy and soak up the summer. Listen to the song "The Trapeze Swinger" by Iron and Wine and you'll want to just...relax.

summer and bored.

Someone please remind me that I shouldn't have coffee after noon. I have a crashing headache Today has been a sluggish day. The weather is wonderful just don't feel like doing anything at all. But my mind is awake!!!

Got to hang out with my summer boy today. To tell you the truth, I think that's all he really is to me. Just a summer boyfriend. I hope we can stay together through the fall but if we don't...well, I wasn't expecting the whole world from him. So if things don't stay the same I'm totally cool with the way things will turn out. The whole pie chart speech really got to me and that's how I'm really starting to see things.

As for the ex, he plans on visiting me friday for my birthday. This lady friend of his is now actually his girlfriend. I knew it, that punk! We talked a little bit yesterday and he asked me if I had sex recently, to which he'd attack any answer I gave him. If I said "yes" then he'd call me a whore, if I said "no" he'd think that i'm still desperatly in love with him. Lose, lose for me = him being and asshole. I'm having to reconcider whether I should even to to dinner with him.

and sleep sets in.

mid-summer

it's 3 in the morning. the clock posted up is wrong; so what i'm saying is is that i'm a night owl.

new relationships are so fun and fresh, i'm scared of it going to end. he told me that life is a pie chart. there are about 4 small sections and one huge section. that big part of the pie chart is marriage, family, and the most stressful part of your life. it's not neccessarily a bad thing, but why rush into it if you're going to end up there anyways. being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. these are the best days of our lives.

i feel like i need constant advice for this time in my life and i find i get the best from the one closest to me, debra. she says, "it's your life and no one elses, so live it." in a way, it's like take other people's advice at face value because in the end it affects you and no one else.

at the same time i feel like i got a good catch and i just want to reel him in. i realize this whole time i've been rushing into that big part of that pie chart and for now i just want to slow it down.

4th is this weekend. plans for tomorrow: transformers with dennis, cao nguyen, maybe see a drive in. saturday: sleep, study, drink and blow up stuff. sunday: work, BBQ, aunt spending night; back to square one.

so chill

I realize that when you stop looking someone finds you. What bliss.

these are the best days of our lives

it's funny how feelings can change in a split second. one day i'm angry, moody, but now i'm at peace. i realize that i've been having the time of my life this summer; so far anyways. sleeping in, (that's what i call 9 o clock) having my own place with one of my tightest friends. making new friends and haning out with them too. making more new friends. drinking. shopping(though not overdrafting, yuck).

abe responded to my message. he's coming the weekend of my birthday. hmmm...how to get around this. i can be a bitch and not hang out with my friends. or i can invite him to whatever we do.

i saw t at forever yesterday. weird. he was shopping with his lady friend. i can see him going out with a sorority girl. maybe just really good friends. i need to stop calling them "sorostitues" so it wont offend him lol.

went to the pool with train and sista and i saw andrew, the sexiest black man of all times. i looked like shit yesterday and i kept bumping into people. what gives?!

hung out with some friends that i made in the past semester and we're going to get wasted tomorrow night--> float trip next morning --> house party right after that. i'm going to have an amazing weekend!

bad dianna. stop it!

you know what i'm talkin' bout.

study break = more beeetching!

ok, so the last post about my mood being the color of poop. i'm kind of feeling like that again. szu chu thinks i act crazy when i crush on someone, ya know, where i want to analyze every single thing he says and the rest of that fun stuff. anywho, we hung out last night, we played some bocce and frisbee with his roommates. i think we had a good time. now i'm expecting him to text me to go study...and i'm waiting, waiting, oh yea, still waiting.

i just realized it would suck if anyone else read this blog other than my usual followers. what if he got a sneak peek into my real life. sheesh. boys, i need your input on this; how would you feel if you were this person who some how stumbled across this blog? i mean, really this could be, in a sense, fucking creepy. ok i'm going to stop before i freak myself out.

i'm looking forward to the float trip this weekend. hope to see everyone there.

bloggity blog blog

i <3 summer school. well, it's more like i <3 OU in the summer time. only a few people on campus, no crowds, easy bike riding, empty bathrooms! i realized my ochem 2 doesnt start til july so i'm up and have nothing to do. sort of. nothing opens til 9.

one, two, three, four, uno, dos, tres, quatro!

one more night at my house and i'm heading back early in the morning, to norman that is. i'm sure going to miss being lazy for three weeks but i had fun. i'm looking forward to next week when matt and i move in together. looking forward to classes. with or without troy, i'm giving up on boys. life's good with just friends...and tennis....snowcones too and movies. and i'm going to give up on aberiel as well. i'm going to keep telling myself he isn't coming so i wont get my hopes up.

not to speculate or anything but i haven't been on facebook chat since i've been home but i notice that he was online for a week starting his internship but now he's not online anymore...maybe he made friends?? idk. i really hope we can hang out though

i want to play some tennis to get my mind off things. someone play with me, meow :3

still ants in my pants...

more blogs to past the time. yay. afternoon naps are a waste of time and i'd rather be doing something...anything else. i had one of those dreams where you're awake and in bed but you cant move. those really freak me out. i wish there was a video camera on me to see if i was actually awake or asleep. i was banging my leg agaisnt the wall to wake myself up since that was the only thing i could move. who knows, it could all be a dream.

didnt have to haggle the bank as much as i thought, just called again and the banker i spoke to told me that the banker that was working on me sent an e-mail to the manager that stated it was a bank error. dang straight it was a bank error. i can't help but check my account every hour but i'm going to give it until friday until i see money in my account. if not....well i'm going back.

so the one person i want to be with wants to take me out. i get so nervous thinking about it. does he still like me?? why else would you be doing this? you're such a jerk! what are we going to do when you get here? what day are you coming? i'm going to want to kiss you, i hope you want to kiss me too. will i lash out at you, or will i try my best to keep it pleasent? that will depend on my mood but i hope for the latter. will you leave me hanging, which i will break down if you do. i'm going to want to be with someone by the time you get here so it will be easier to say 'no' to you.
can't stop thinking about this everytime i go to bed.

damnit damnit

i'm poor :( well i realize i only say that when i shouln't spend money...so no worries, i'm not actually poor. so here's what's been goin down...my insufficient funds fee has totaled out to be 530. fuck fuck fuck! anyway, my plan is to haggle the bank for my money back... which i don't know how banks work, they just keep my money for me. except now i know they can screw you over! why i realize it's unfair is because i have money in my account. 9 G's in my savings....i know i shouldnt have spent as much as i have in the past few days but dont charge me a huge ass fee if i already have money in my account. that's what's pissing me off. i'm going to call the bank one more time tomorrow and if that doesn't work i'm going to take it to corporate. seems like the only thing i can do right now is give them a hard time. *le sigh*

like my shitty LG phone...life's good!

i realized that i haven't blogged in a while when friends tell me that they've been bored. Thank you to all those that rave over my rantings. :P of course, since i haven't been blogging i've got a lot on the cranium.

i'm going to start things off about the time where i left off of. i came to accept that i suck at organic chemistry and i prefer you don't remind me about how much i suck because i'd rather leave that forgotten. summer = new start for dianna. there. only a select few of my friends know that i'm retaking it. feel special if you know but i have a reputation to uphold; dont spread it like wildfire. so please refrain if you must. don't pity me, just leave me and chemistry alone.

these past two weeks have been amazing. working only weekends and sleeping in; hanging out with friends and bike riding! chris, if you read this, i'm going to miss you and the crew and i will def come to san antonio for your birfday.

i cannot wait to move into my new place. i've been buying so much stuff for it and i am ready to paint walls and decorate. i have about 6 paper lanters (5 white and 1 orange) that will go for the orange and white themed room (and no, it's not because we hate the sooners) i also have a wall mural of the world that i got from urban outfitters. my sister started on some pictures of koi. we went to the library yesterday and borrowed all the koi books. i'll post pictures up when i have my camera on me. i'll post pictures of my whole frikkin apartment!

speaking of spending, i've been doing this nonstop for the past week, and i have learned my lesson. first and hopefully last time i'm going into the hole. i havent been keeping an eye out on my account because i assumed that my paycheck would take care of my funds. well.....yea, you can guess how that turned out. about $350 dollars in overdraft fees. FUCK MY LIFE! yep, just found out last night. pretty much ate half of my fucking paycheck. my excuse....i don't really have any. can't blame anyone but me. actually, i do have one excuse: why didn't i set up overdraft protection earlier. my goal as of now is not to spend any money until my next paycheck which is in 11 days. that's 11 days of not spending money. we'll see how well that goes. mooching off friends and sleeping around. jk. only if money grew on trees. i did go to the bank and the banker who was helping me is trying to see if i could get reembursed since this is the first time this has happened to me. *cross fingers*

my roommates have been sending me some "bitching texts." i mean, they don't do it frequently or anything it just sounds like they blame me for everything. first off, for those who dont already know. the angry beer text from cynthia, the angry taboo text from cynthia as well, and now a mile to moderately angry "bowls" text from My....is this a trend i see here?? and for one thing, why are we sending texts in the first place?! you can't read tone in text and who knows if they're really angry or just want to be fucking immature about it. just whatever. i am so happy to be moving out. oh yes, and to matt, my future roommate. the only thing i regret about moving in with you is that i have the potential to hate you. and i dont want to hate you because you are one of my coolest and closest friends. i'm sure we'll get annoyed with each other but....i don't even want that. hopefully we'll stay out of each others business but in each others business. lol. you're my bra.

right when school let out i chatted with gabe for a few hours. i know i shouldn't even be talking to him because he's stringing me along; giving me a false sense of hope that we could get back together. what a cruel joke to play. i truly feel that he's only doing this to reassure that he has someone to fall back on. he says that he misses me and my heart slowly melts to each tantaizing line. he says he's in a relationship but wants to end it and asks me for advice. what do you want me to say??? that is such a stupid question. i'm listening to yanni as i write this. this is what we listened to while we studied for summer classes.

i dont know what to expect this summer. like all summers, they come and go. i want to make the most. i want to make good grades but i want to live too. floating trips, swimming, sun dresses, and summer boys!!!! boy crazy as i am. summer classes is a chance to redeem myself

well debra is telling me a synopsis of 'drag me to hell' so until next time

when i'm supposed to be through with you

ok so i said no more fucking around i lied. travis told me for every 40 minutes of studying you deserve a 20 minute break lol :P. so i facebook chatted with gary a few hours ago. i asked how finals were and all he said was 'i have one at 8.' why is he being so cold to me now. it's like i never knew him and it hurts like crap. i shouldn't even be thinking of this cus i should be focusing on microbio. after that, i didn't respond. i wasn't going to push it. this blows major nuts.

fufufufufinals!

i have approx 1 1/2 hours til my geog test. bahahaha. so travis took me home last night. all right! but there's something about him i'm still unsure of. he invited me to a bunch of events but i was hoping he'd be a recluse like me....or gabe. he's already 21 and it makes it hard to have fun together; that is, if we got together. going out anyways. sometimes i wish i didnt like anybody. givin a shout out to v-train. what what! ok, i'm done fucking around. back to studying.

already fallen overboard

the two "s" words that i swear are annoying as fuck...i will use them now. i am so stressed from studying. i have so much going on (when do i not?) and on top of that, the possibility of retaking a class and summer school. gosh i'm so tired.

anxiety level of 106!

just got off my 8 hour shift. well not just but i feel like my whole day was wasted away. but oh, it does not end.

despite my depression (it's not real) i look forward to the summer with my homies and living with one homie.

some people need to quit being so goddamn selfish.

hmm. i thought i had more to say but i guess that's it

le sigh

big relief. just finished my first final which i dont think turned out too bad. i shouldn't say that, look what happened to the last test :P. i'm a bit depressed though. i made a 78 on my persuassive speech. wtf? i had a powerpoing and everything. this one girl read off her paper and got an 84?? i'm going to contest this. it must be wrong. either that or i have a superiority complex. ughhhh. i hate work. tomorrow for 8 hours, thurs for 6, friday for 8. and saturday i get off. i want to cry, just have a good break down. too bad i'm in the union and i'd look like a nerd lol. i just wish i had someones shoulder to cry on, i.e. gabe. yes my friends are good to me but i feel like somethings missing. i want someone to cheer me up at a time like this.

when there isn't much you can do

so i havn't blogged in a while because of how busy i am. school, work. boys-ish. i try my best not to care. my grades are sliding big time. college happened and i had to lower my standards. it's impossible to get organic chemistry; either that or i suck at taking tests. i like to think it's the latter. a boy i really like is super super smart. i dont know what i'm going to tell him. do guys find "C" girls attractive? i have two of my hardest classes with him this semester and it's going to suck if he watches me fail. it's almost scary because he's like a sterling. naturally smart and spoiled. fml. my dad wanted to come over today to cheer me up and bring me dinner but i passed and said that i was going to be in the library. really i'm just having my cousin over so i can mope. my dad is really cool. he just told me not to give up. i don't know if i should blame this on work. i have worked more than i ever have this semester. if i hadn't would things be the same? i've studied all i could and i am ready for the semester to be over. i have a summer class with the same guy and maybe we can go to the library and study together and he'll help me through the summer. who knows, just wishful thinking. my bathing suit came in. it is hot stuff but....i'm too depressed to do anything. i just wish i can sleep the next two weeks away and not have to worry about anything. just stressed and depressed; and now off to work.

blog

it's funny that once i start a new blog i don't feel like writing anything. sorry folks.

it's another rainy day....(well, not really)

work has worn me to the bone...when does it not? but i just have friday at a nice store; sat and sun from 8-3 and that's it til next friday. good deal for me.

coffee and late nights don't go together. right now i feel like throwing up.

should be studying but i am pooped. i feel a tinge of guilt. one friend betrays the other and i am just the messenger. where do you draw the line to how much you let out? doesn't that make you dishonest as well? questions questions i ask myself.

i really need to make an A on this test.

well that sucked....

so i went to the phys sci center for gary to fix my bike. he brought his co-worker/roommate. i think it was to prevent us from making moves on each other. he fixed my bike, it works, then he said bye without looking at me. i feel like shit.

it was stupid of me to ask him.

oh the anxiety is killing me!

this has been the sadest easters ever. i feel bad for the little kids that have to hunt eggs in the rain...lol. actually the sadest weekend.

gary texted me at work yestereday"hey have you fixed your bike yet." that made my day. but since i was at work i asked him if he'd do it tomorrow, which is today. i just called. he didnt pick up. i texted....well i wasn't like i was expecting a quick response but i'm too anxious that i can't do my homework. bouncing off the walls anxious. looking in the mirror over and over anxious. i have work at 4 so i really hope he gets on it before i have to go. :( it's killing me.

i've been doing some lazy shopping. that's what i like to call online shopping because you just sit at a computer. first off, i'd like to thank my bfffl for getting me a sexy yellow slip and for watching my bid on ebay. i also have been ebaying. i got a dress that i'm going to wear to a friend's sister's wedding and i also got two jackets that are the same but one is black and one is white. yea i know it sounds stupid but they were both cheap.

i've been sick for the past week, coughing, sneezing, nasty eye mucus. yea it's gross, so i'll spare the details.

just ronry

'i woke up tired and feeling old,
and i wondered why my bed was cold,
and i saw that you were gone,
and if so then for how long?
why would i ever let you go?'

i've been listening to that song constantly by hellogoodbye.

one minute there are so many guys, then next there aren't any. i'm starting to like someone new. someone that is at OU and smart. we'll just call him travis. so yesterday we had an ochem test and i kind of stalled a little bit waiting for him to get out so we could ride the bus the same time. oh gee, i sound like a stalker. oh, but it gets better. so we ride lloyde noble together but the bus was too crowded to sit with him. we ended up leaving the parking lot together and we were both heading home in the same direction down constitution. constitution was a one lane and it seriously looked like i was following him.....ahhhh, he's so cute! i hope he doesnt think i'm a stalker. but now i know where he lives ;P
i have a feeling he likes me but i'm not quite sure.

so the one i'm still hung up on is....gary. (code names, remember?) he got a facebook but i think he put every setting on private for me. i think he knows that i creep his facebook. damn it. he texted thursday "i just found a little star with a messagae from u 4 my 19th b-day" umm. ok why would you send that? are you trying to toy with me? you know i still like you, right? he is quite the complicated one. i texted him back asking if he was on campus so he could fix my bike which broke that day. he was in Arkcity for his internship's orientation. he said he would take a look at it for me but i dont know when that will be. hopefully he'll call because i dont want to be the one calling.

new jeff is out of my life. hasn't called or texted which is good. but i was hoping he could come keep my company for the weekend. travis and i don't know each other that well yet. i hope we could be more because if we do i'm dropping gary like a rock.

just my kitty crushes ;P meow

i'll be missin' you

today was nothing short of what i could have wanted. he and i hung out today for the first time in 5 months. it was easier that i thought. thought he'd put up a fight but he didn't. i asked him to go the medieval fair with me. he said 'no' at first and called me back to accept. i tried my best to have no emotion towards the situation but butterflies fill my stomach as i waited to get out of work. i miss his embrace too much. i'd die just for one more

i'm in a current feud with my sister. her boyfriend is a nice guy but dumb as a doornail. i think she can do better. i expressed my concerns/ corrective criticisim and she didnt take too kindly. it's dumb.

i just don't care anymore. one thing i cannot stray too far from is school.

'hey jude, don't make it bad
turn a sad song and make it better
remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better'

"you bastard"

i try to like someone and just find out how unreliable they are. i try to move on and this just reassures me that i shouldn't. first off, i hear too much shit about this person anyway. some say that i can change this person. i'm not so sure seeing that he is already too deep in bad habits. he's already grown up, he's lived his life. i've still got growing up to do. second off, he's unpredictable. tell me you're coming to see me and then don't. it's not that my feelings are hurt but i had better things to do. waste of my time-bigass mistake ever, fuck you.

angst cookies

these feelings of mine come and go. agnst.

this week by far was the most bleh week. not bad, just bleh. (i say that for many things. dont judge) i had 1 big test and 1 quiz today. i think i did okay on the test but not the quiz. yea, whatthefuckever. grades have been posted for some classes and i'm a bit depressed. two 5 page papers to do, due on tuesday. this weekend doesnt look so bright; besides the weather.

my dad is giving me hell about lying on my taxes and not working too much. just ugh. times like these all i can fall back on is my family (in this case, not my dad). my sister just got back from lunch and we can just talk for hours. my cousin keeps calling me and it's nice to hear from him because i don't see much of him anyways. his birthday is next weekend and were going to p.f. changs. then it's time for the medieval fair. wooo! little secret: i'm going to try and invite someone i miss very much, to go with me. who knows if he'll say yes but it's worth a try, right? so i'm taken. unless he says 'no' and i'm heartbroken again and then i'll need some help. the only people i want to be around is my family. i feel like school is killing me inside.

i'm starting to have feelings for a man friend that i have been hanging out with (i guess we could just call it dating now). people say things, people say a lot of things. i know friends want me to be cautious but i feel like i'm the only one knowing what i'm getting myself into. afterall, he is single, he can do what he wants. things are progressing quite nicely but a little too quickly for my taste. my ideal guy would be in school...why do i keep attracting losers?

i'm looking forward to a better week. luck, don't fail me now. afterwards i want to go bike riding around hefner. matt, you in?

regret

....i regret a lot of things.

the reason...

the reason i write in this blog is to get over him. he is the only person i want to be with now and for the rest of my life. at least that's how i feel now.

{it's been almost five months. things happen and i slowly get over you. i want to get over you because i know you'll never come back. at this moment i feel bliss. it's 8:30 in the morning and i planned on sleeping in but i got up and thought of you. last night i chatted with you for an hour. i haven't heard from you since. my heart pounded because i miss you so much. i wonder if you still love me like i love you. you put yourself out to be very successful. i'm so proud. i got the courage to ask you about any relationships you've been in. am i really the last girl you kissed? i'm flattered. i'm sure you're bullshiting somewhat. i know i was; i lied, i told you that i haven't seen anyone since.

i keep daydreaming that maybe we'd cross paths in the summer. i assumed you were going to take summer classes again but you have an internship. you have made a lot for yourself. when you tell me this i didn't know if you were trying to rub it in my face or just telling me so i can be happy for you, either way i am very happy for you. it's good to see that you get along with your roommates. still running....same ol', same ol'.

i really hope you're turning in your bed as much as i have these past few months. truth is i don't wish any wrong on you. i wish you the best. i love you so much, but i hate how you've made me feel. you left me a stronger, yet vulnerable, person than before i met you. sometimes i feel like you were the one that turned me into a recluse. it has it's pro's more than con's.

the medieval fair is coming up. i might ask you to go with me, depending on how i think you'll respond at the time. i hope you say yes because i'd like to see you again.}

so yea, i know everyone knows he's bad news but he is the only person that could make me happy. well i could think of another but that's not the point. lol. i'm getting over him and it doesnt help how i was lured into the chat box.

let's hope a bike ride will get my mind of things.

my heart will remain open to you.

done with work...

...for the rest of the spring break. wooooo!!!! i had the funnest night last night. my friend, cousin, and i drank and i got to smoke hookah for the first time. it's much fun to be light headed bonding. the break is half way over and i have not studied as much as i wanted to. tomorrow is bike riding, thursday is mountain climbing, friday is...i don't know, but it's not going to be studying. i don't have much on my mind; as of late anyways.

much needed R&R

Spring break....ahhhhhh! today at work was amazing. everything was smooth sailing. times like these i don't mind being in retail. really, i don't. yesterday, on the other hand, was horrible. probably the worst day i've had at my OKC store. friday the 13? i don't know but it sure was crazy.

boys, boys, boys, we love them! i find myself listening to lady gaga, all the time!

i'm attracting boys i don't want to be with. they're immature and stupid and all they want to do is make out. i have a crush on someone in my class. we were put in the same group and, i don't know, he intrigues me. i like a man that's bilingual. i shouldn't get my hopes up though. i notice that people who aren't in college are so forward in their courting behaviour. cute? i think not, it is very annoying. yesterday night, after a party, trainee calls me and wanted to hang out. he was so persistent. it was 3 in the morning and 'no' i don't want you to come over! my excuse was that i had a friend over and that i was tired; he still didn't give up. i got him off my case when i asked matt to get me water. it would have been funnier if matt was like, " dianna, get back to bed, we're supposed to be doing it!"

spring weather is here and it makes me sick that i'm not playing frisbee with my boyfriend (the one i don't have) :P or flying a kite. being alone for most of the break, since i have work in norman, will help me realize how pathetic i can be. *sigh*

plans this break: do my communications report, read 'savages' (good read), study microbiology, work on ochem lab, ochem practice problems, my latin geog. group project. go to witchita wildlife refuge, ride bikes.
other things i want to do: go shopping and spend all the money i have, make a kite, play frisbee. run.

three more days of work and i'm free.

be O.K.

so much has happened...so much i dont have time to make note of it, so i'll do that now. i've been stressed more so than i ever have this semester. work is a pain in the butt. i hate dealing with stupid people. i'm not kidding, they really are stupid. last wednesday was the absolute worst. there was a missing check from the cash register....and i was the one who accidently handed the customer back her check. i had to call her, apologize and beg her to return to Walgreen's with the check I handed back. luckily she was nice enough but my coworkers back. ugh, worst feeling ever.

so my feet hurt and i bought a new pair of shoes. $86...i think that's the most i ever spent on shoes.

i started hanging out with one of my coworkers. she is so cool. haha, it feels like elementary school when i was in 1st grade and looked up to the 6th graders because they were so badass! i guess she's like a big sister...friend.

i'm in a sort of jumble. i've met a new guy with the same name as trainee boy. trainee boy and i are over, i'm sure, because i told him off. mean? yes, but it just wasn't happening. i met the new guy at a party over the weekend. me likey shy guys. but i don't know; i don't want to be in a relationship. slowly getting over "him", but not entirely. i seem to attract guys that i'm not really into. we'll see about this new one. i'm not looking for anything serious, just dates for now. keepin it fun and light. i'm not one to shoot someone down. i give chances...and sometimes i find my self too trusting of people. i like attention and that's my weakness. i'm a sucker for cute things (and boys) and i have a hard time saying "no." Boy crazy? i'm not going to lie. i never thought of myself as a flirt but i guess i am??? there are just other guys i'd rather be dating. like...well, the ones i don't talk to. the ones that sit by themselves. they're smart and studious (or at least that's how they look.) that's what i want to tap...just playin'. the ones that are in school...my school. OU. why do i care. like i said, my life revoles around being in or out of a relationship.

i wish i didn't have work today so i could study for my organic lab test. ugghhhh.

mew...*random*...mew

here's one way to win my attention: reverse psychology. i semi- like this guy. we'll just call him 'trainee guy,' and i'm sure he likes me too. all of a sudden he stops texting....and now i go apeshit. lol.

my feet hurt so i'm writing.

so i just learned that the Westboro baptist church is going to protest at Moore high school monday. HOLY CRAP! they are the scums of the earth. if you dont know who they are, go research them, yea they're trying to beat nazis as worst people on earth. all they preach is hate...and they come from a church. what has this world come to?

i think i might go to spectate. idk.

i think everyone has their own relationship with God, and that's between you and God and noone else. I know a lot of my friends are going to mass tonight for lent, and other friends....well aren't. That's cool. whatever. i'm not catholic so i don't know the true meaning of mass and ash wednesday. i notice some people aren't devout to their religion. ya know what? that's cool! that's their relationship with God. not necessarily saying it's good or bad, who am I to judge if it's good or not. that's their beef and i'm cool with that. i went to church with my parents until i graduated high school. i understand they 'dont want me to go to hell' or whatever, but they have to know that i'm old enough to think for myself. i'm happy i was raised with the church of christ. i feel that's where most of my beliefs derived from.

as of now my beliefs have changed from good ol days of church camp. i believe that if you are a good person and do good things than you are "saved." doesn't matter what religion you are, just if you are a good person and don't do harm to others.

if the beatles taught me anything; "speaking words of wisdom, let it be"

times like these i wish i were a robot.

damn that i know where you park your bike for now i know that i will turn my head everytime i come out those doors. i saw you today and i know you saw me too. my heart is fluttering but i know exactly what you will do. turn away and relocate the next time we may meet. times like these i refuse to move on. go on as you always do and pretend i'm not there, and i will do the same. was it that easy to stop missing me?

so much to do, and so little time.

i have so much on my mind right now. so much that i'm not all sad about a past significant other...at least there's a plus. after going to work yesterday i realized that i have been scheduled full time for the next two weeks! one of the weeks including an organic exam. ugh, my life. i actually don't blame the manager on this one; i was supposed to ask for less hours but have been putting it off.

i wanted to start a rant series on my blog. i'm not sure. sometimes i get sick of myself bitching. i do this especially when cars pull in front of me or when i get to the light it turns red; it's usually when i'm driving i get these feelings of anger. haha. well if and when i do start it, it will cover: why i hate hummers (chevys and fords; you're all nothing but pieces of shit on the road), why i hate the white man (they are the cause of all the hate), the rainforest (all environmentalists want to do is save the rainforest because of the pretty flowers), and missionary work (i'm reading a book (savages) and i realize that by converting others you are taking away their culture.)

what i should be doing now, because i have two more days of work to look forward to: writing up my lab, studying more for organic, studying for MBIO, fixing my bike (it's a bit late for that anyway) applying for scholarships, writing letters begging for recommendation letters. haha yea i'm pathetic.

oh yea, and trainee guy, he's not so bad after all. we had lunch today and i found out that we went to the same church when we were little and we hung out in the same group and didn't know it. how cool is that? do i like him? i don't know now. i'm not going to pursue anything.

i can't wait til next year. my sister planned out our entire living space. watch it not turn out like we want it.

i saw his bike today coming out of organic. i would really like to say hi to him. should i walk slower next time? maybe we might meet. i don't want to stop missing you.

FIN.

yanni is my hero

so im drunk off of cold medicine because i plan on having a good night sleep to night. even though i'm not sick. i may of a sleeping problem. and im listening to yanni, good stuff.

there's this girl in my organic class who muffin tops. sorry, it just really bothers me that much that i have to bring it up. not on the top thank goodness. am talking spider veins muffin top. seriously, i only think skanky people can pull that off. and there's this one guy that is checking her out the whole time. *shiver* whatevs.

now that i have that mental image out of my mind, i think im going to bed.

hmmm....

i had quite an interesting night last night. i kind of feel stupid for doing what i did but what has been done has been done.

i seem to move to fast into relationships. well, compared to other relationships. the trainee (that i mentioned in the last post), i'm afraid has gotten the wrong signals. i don't even know what i want anymore. do i really need to be in a relationship?!! when one door closes another one opens. it's funny because as one door opens, i shut it. however, last night was entirly my fault. i'm sorry. when i get in flirt mode...well yeah. No, i did not have a one night stand!

i realize that my standards get higher and higher even though i try my best not to judge. first, you have to be educated. i will not date you if you dropped out of high school because it is fucking easy and doesn't cost anything. (family problems, i'll think about it, but if you were just lazy or high out the wahzoo, yeah) preferably in college, i don't care what major. second, you have to have a job (explained in past blog why i hate people who don't have jobs) third, i have to find you attractive. yea it sounds shallow but i have a good explanation. and yes, i want you to look nice (but it's not all looks) but here's my reason: if i dont find you attractive, i'd probably see you as a friend more than my boyfriend. ya know what i mean?

gahh i hate being single. no i don't. dont listen to me. see, and this is why we shouldnt be together. i'm not your type, i'm still hung up on an ex, we have nothing in common. and i think i give these reasons to scare you off. hmm...oh well. you are the party type. i am the study nerd. i live in the library and i'm anti-social. you're old enough to drink and it would be a bummer to drag me everywhere. i don't have time for you (as mean as that sounds) and did i mention that i'm a leech that will steal your soul.

i wish i weren't so nice so i could stop beating around the bush. give it straight up, yo. i'd like to be friends but i don't think that's what he wants to be.

just another day

so should i go to yoga today? i NEED to be more productive. it's in an hour-i have time to think about it. i'll think about it. i'm feeling a little bleh because of my test this morning. i'm not feeling too confident because i didn't apply much studying as i wanted to. damn my work for scheduling me 4 days straight!!! especially if it's closing, which it was all four days. when one has to close, one goes home tired and stressed and not wanting to study. i shouldn't bitch. i'm sure people have to work full time and go to school.

so i've heard we have some people who can't park correctly at my apartment complex. good golly ms. molly does that burn my biscuits. LEARN TO FUCKING PARK! please :)

another thing that steams my broccoli is when people like...well im not going to name any names, but they think o-chem is soooo easy. gosh, don't need to tell the world. what if the person next to you failed his test? you suck!

i'm a bit chipper at the same time. i cleaned my room which felt good. spring cleaning, ya know? i'm packing up my books and putting up pictures. i've learned my lesson for next semester: don't take all your shit with you. that's all i have. i'm going to miss how big my room is. i know this isnt for a couple more months but *sigh* it feels like we've bonded. not only that. i also have a ton of kitchen ware. maybe i'll sell them on ebay. j/k i love my dishes, back off.

i want to go shopping but at the same time, i need to save my bucks. when i was little my babysitter took us shopping all the time. she bought us whatever the hell we wanted pretty much. then she'd take us to a nice resturant afterwards. her husband was my dad's boss so yea they were family friends that were super loaded. when my dad's job came to its' demise the family became...well....poor. my dad's boss left the family and went to vietnam while his wife is raising their third child. the other two are adults who live elsewhere. she had to move from a big house to a smaller one and start from scratch since her husband was the one who brought home the bacon. it seems like the only thing she could do was start a daycare because that's what she's best at; taking care of children. she went to hell and back to get licenced, take classes, and crap with DHS with her hectic schedule. look at me, she raised me well. i feel like she's done so much for my sister and i and well, i guess this is a shout out to her even though she won't know it. once in a while i'd take her daughter to the movies and once i have the time i'll take her shopping.

i need to get a grip

Life hasn't been peachy keen like i wanted it to be. i haven't been "cool" for a while. for a long while. i feel like i've been in a knot. by the way, word up to my lesbian friend, Vy, for making me want to start a blog. i'm using this as a medium to vent. a diary takes too much time to write. the problem is i can't put my issues about people on here that might read it. well who's gonna read this anyway? let's get started!

i feel trapped in feelings. gosh im so emo. but really i feel like i tell people the same story over and over so maybe, just maybe, if i put some words down i can let go. it's been almost 4 months since my last relationship and i'm still not over it. but the funny thing is i don't really want to be in a relatioship right now. i don't know how to change this. all i can do is look forward to next semester because this one is starting to suck already. i love my sister and we're going to move in together. this day, last year, was one of the best days of my life. i'm such a girly girl. i got roses, chocolate, a dinosaur toy, more candy, and a hello kitty kite. the weather was like spring so we flew the kite. why does my life have to revolve around relationships, whether i have one or not? i see many single people who say they're happy but i think deep down everyone wants someone. i lived with him in the summer and it was the best summer i've ever had. right when the sun is setting we ride our bikes to campus. we find explored the terrain that was OU. we try to do tricks off ramps, just play around. we jumped in fountains and raced on the sidewalks. when we had our fill we headed home but stopped at the local play ground to jump on the jungle gyms. when we got back to the apartment we'd make a mexican dinner and watch the office reruns. i know when i look back at college those were the best days i had. time has passed and i still linger on these memories.

it will still take some time for me to move on. i feel like he has made me the person i am today, and that is why i don't think i can find anyone better. he's not that stupid spoiled american boy. he was different. raised on discipline, he wasn't tolerant of laziness, which i can be sometimes. i realize that if you never had a job and you're my age, you suck. work teaches you so much: discipline and time managment; i could go on. maybe i just get these feeling because of my past relationships. he also made me proud of my heritage. as weird as it may sound, i wish i knew how to speak fluent viet.

i've met a new guy the past week at work. i'm training him to be a pharm tech at walgreen's...wooo. (sarcasm) trainees come and go so we swapped numbers and maybe we might be something. i don't know. just in that flirting stage now.

besides that, boys can be really stupid. let's say if he called you a 'bitch' and you get mad at him. and says: gosh, why are you so pissed. you say: you just called a 'bitch' five seconds ago, asshole. haha im picking on all boys. they're so dense but at the same time simple minded, and i like it that way.

i have nothing to look forward to in this semester. i hate how my work is scheduling me on the weekends. i hate being alone in my apartment, it makes me miss my old roommates. one's that believe in 'chicks before dicks.' i'm considering moving out of my current apartment for the summer to live with two of my old roommates at essex squares. the bike ride to campus is less than 5 minues. it looks like a good deal; the issue is that i'd have to move my large ass bed. and all the other shit i have. is it worth it? i'm absolutly miserable living here and i feel like it would be better for me and my roommates. i'd love the fresh start for the summer. except i won't get to ride bikes with my lesbian lover, darn it.

i used to be afraid to be alone but now i feel that's how i'd like to be.