today i went to eat pho with my buddy szu chu. my day wasn't going so well since i didn't know i had work at 10 in the morning because i thought my shift would start at 5. well, i woke up this morning to my phone ringing and looked at it, it said 'walgreens.' surely i didn't sleep til 5! my pharmacist on the other line said 'where the hell are you.' apparently i was supposed to be at work at 10. the time was 10:10 and i was at work by 10:15, which means i only missed 15 minutes of work, not to brag though :P. tired, irritated, and slightly hungover i was a hot mess. getting off at 3 i had to help my friend move her entire life into her new apartment. i was starving...so we went to eat pho...i digress from my frantic day to get to the point. so we went to eat pho and there was a kid behind us crying his ass off. maybe two years old, give or take. you could tell he did not want to be here, he was fucking pissed. now, i don't know if i'm exaggerating this because i was already irritated or maybe i really can't stand babies crying. i realize, if this was a vietnamese kid he would not be throwing a fit because the parents would already have spanked the shit out of him. not like child abuse but an amount i find too unbearable. i don't remember much of how i was punished when i was a kid since my mom died when i was a wee child. but what i do remember consisted of being put in a dark closet or something. it sounds like child abuse but i guess my dad really never needed to punish my sister and i because we were so obedient, or sneaky. it's weird the way me and my sister turned out. i would say my dad did a good job of raising us but some would beg to differ. he didn't force ideals into our minds, he just let us think for ourselves. of course, don't stray to far from god but that was the most he's lectured us. my sister and i love our dad because of this. he's someone i really do look up to. he taught us not to judge (even though he did it himself) not to screw people over, (acting like your back is broken in a mini fenderbender to get money from insurance) be good to everyone. he taught well.

so i have given up on titles. what's the point, you're going to read my blog anyways so whatever. anyways.......this morning my cousin calls me with a dilemma. a relationship ended and who's to blame? the neglected boyfriend or the attention-craving friends? apparently, in this case you can't have your cake and eat it too. well the relationship has already ended but my cousin and i have come to a common consensus that when it comes between the guy and the friends, you go for the guy. that's right, you go for the guy. now i might sound like a sucky friend right now but god dammit if they were true friends they'd understand, right? i only find this between really close friends and family. if me and my sister were just casually hanging out and boy calls, i go for boy, she's cool, all is good. and that's why i love debra :P friends and family can't give you intimacy and closeness that a significant other can and they're supposed to be there for you unconditionally. well, after a long crazy drawn out story my cousin is still left in shambles and i'm helping him cope. screw the friends because they're obviously jealous. win the guy back and learn your lesson that these friends of yours are bitter because they don't have what you have. what can i say but 'misery loves company.'

i still miss him slightly. not as much as i used to since i've moved on. last night i saw him again and we were civil. dinner was chill, everything was good. i can tell he missed me and i missed him too, having him in front of my face. all the things he said flashback to me. stuff like "if you ever try pot i'll never talk to you again," and "all we have in common is the past," and "she's my girlfriend now"; just to remind myself how much of a tool he was. driving him home i remembered all the things i didn't like about him. just stuff he'd say and things he'd do that i was annoyed with when were were together. when our night was done he made me his reason to break up with his girlfriend. i never want to be that person, the other girl. he wanted more from me but i wasn't going to give it to him. first because i have someone else that i like so much more, second i knew he would just leave me again. he asked me if i regretted anything with the person i found, i said 'no' since this person at least acts like he cares about me. i feel bad because i still like him.

it's so funny how i want the qualities my sister has and vice versa. she thinks I'm upfront and in your face and I tell it like it is. for some reason i just don't see that but it's something she admires. i wish i could be as compassionate as she is. i think she's real, what you see is what you get and sometimes i don't see that in myself.

i got to experience something today that i really don't think is a big deal. smoking for the first time. it's a college thing and i find that now is the time to try it.

this relationship i'm in is fake. well, it's not even an official relationship. but when i'm around him i'm not being myself. I'm trying to be this really chill, heartless, and emotionless girl. and if you don't know me, i'm the total opposite. the reason i'm putting on this facade is so i won't get hurt but i have a feeling i'll be thrown to the curbside. i need to find a guy that cares.

to care or not to care, that is my question.

I don't know how much he likes me but people say things like "if he really liked you, he'd let you go now." ....well, what if he didn't like me? would he keep me tagging along? my really disproportional reasoning. my crazy speculating....yeah, it needs to stop.

what is up with all these uneven relationships. one person that's giving their all and one that just cops out. not that i'm saying mine is or anything.

today felt like an awkward day. got to hang out with my most favorite cousin but it was just, meh. i did get a lot of studying done which is nice, but then i did some fb stalking with the cuz and found some disturbing things (things that other wouldn't find disturbing because they don't read into it as much as i do) geeezus. what do i care? right?

I realize that I think too much. Well, actually, Alex helped me come to this realization. So I totally hate it when this happens but once you watch a movie you compare your life to it. It's one of my crazy habits. I saw the movie 'The Ugly Truth' and I'm thinking, 'That is my life!' I like to analyze everything to death and it sucks and I wish I don't do that but I do, so I guess whatever??

I've been having crazy mood swings and I'm not on my period. Strange. And it all has to do with this summer boy thing. One minute I'm like "it's just a fling" and the other minute it's like "I'm never going to see you again" Sadness. I'm a little happy for the summer to come to a close. I really need the break...hmm. this entry sounds almost like the one at the end of spring semester.

Yesterday night was fun, but unneccessary. I've got a slight hangover but I aced my quiz this morning so it was worth coming to class. My body still feels tired but I know that I need to keep studying. Got to hang out with some super cool people that really cheered me up. Oh yea, I was sad because I like to analyze why he didn't want to hang out with me. There's nothing wrong with him, he's perfect. I'm just a pshyco bitch that just needs to....take a breather. So to drown my sorrows with all the speculations of what he could be up to I downed 5+ beers which I then threw up to get out of my system. Oh, what a night! I think that's why I stopped caring today.

Plans for the break: So i really want to go to a national park. I don't care where, just any national park. Who's up?? Weekends are taken by work so that's a no-go for all you planning trips out there. I also want to play tennis, run, swim (before it gets cold)

I've also been thinking about halloween for some reason. It's my most beloved holiday of all times. Yeah, take that Christmas! Plans for halloween: make cupcakes, carve pumpkins, make cookies, buy candy....I just can't wait for fall to be here. And I'm excited to wear cardigans and scarves. Le sigh.

last week of summer

....school that is. summer school. i'm looking back and time sure has flown by. it was like yesterday that i went bike riding with a small group. like the other summers i've had, this one i won't forget. i know it's a bit early for my reflection blog of the summer but after having a beer and watching tv for an hour....what the hell.

i'm probably going to miss just me and matt living together but i know were going to have a fun semester with the underclassmen. the apartment is peaceful but we need some life in here. i'm looking forward to the extra company. i know debra and i will end up decking out the place in our lavish craftiness.

compared to last summer i didn't get out that much. possibly due to the 100 degree weather. otherwise i'd be riding my bike to class everyday. also i don't have a demanding boyfriend that forces to exercise because i'm a total fatass! i did run a few times which felt nice. i only do this because i think it'll make me look more tone but how much more tone can i get....and i don't mean this in the conceited way either. there was so much that i feel like i haven't accomplished this summer like i planned. all of which were outdoor activities: more tennis, more swimming, more bike riding, more running.

other than that i filled my time with more indoor activities: watching movies, hanging out with friends, chilling with troy, shopping, partying, painting, decking out my place without the sister. studying some here and there. overall it has been a good summer

i'm also scared what the future holds for me and a close friend i've made this summer. i like him so much and we've been having a lot of fun this summer. we aren't serious enough to discuss how our relationship will progress after the summer...i just can't help but dwell on what's going to happen. the situation is so 50/50 i don't really know what's going to happen.

but hell...still got a week to go.