it's so funny how i want the qualities my sister has and vice versa. she thinks I'm upfront and in your face and I tell it like it is. for some reason i just don't see that but it's something she admires. i wish i could be as compassionate as she is. i think she's real, what you see is what you get and sometimes i don't see that in myself.

i got to experience something today that i really don't think is a big deal. smoking for the first time. it's a college thing and i find that now is the time to try it.

this relationship i'm in is fake. well, it's not even an official relationship. but when i'm around him i'm not being myself. I'm trying to be this really chill, heartless, and emotionless girl. and if you don't know me, i'm the total opposite. the reason i'm putting on this facade is so i won't get hurt but i have a feeling i'll be thrown to the curbside. i need to find a guy that cares.

to care or not to care, that is my question.

I don't know how much he likes me but people say things like "if he really liked you, he'd let you go now." ....well, what if he didn't like me? would he keep me tagging along? my really disproportional reasoning. my crazy speculating....yeah, it needs to stop.

what is up with all these uneven relationships. one person that's giving their all and one that just cops out. not that i'm saying mine is or anything.

today felt like an awkward day. got to hang out with my most favorite cousin but it was just, meh. i did get a lot of studying done which is nice, but then i did some fb stalking with the cuz and found some disturbing things (things that other wouldn't find disturbing because they don't read into it as much as i do) geeezus. what do i care? right?

I realize that I think too much. Well, actually, Alex helped me come to this realization. So I totally hate it when this happens but once you watch a movie you compare your life to it. It's one of my crazy habits. I saw the movie 'The Ugly Truth' and I'm thinking, 'That is my life!' I like to analyze everything to death and it sucks and I wish I don't do that but I do, so I guess whatever??

I've been having crazy mood swings and I'm not on my period. Strange. And it all has to do with this summer boy thing. One minute I'm like "it's just a fling" and the other minute it's like "I'm never going to see you again" Sadness. I'm a little happy for the summer to come to a close. I really need the break...hmm. this entry sounds almost like the one at the end of spring semester.

Yesterday night was fun, but unneccessary. I've got a slight hangover but I aced my quiz this morning so it was worth coming to class. My body still feels tired but I know that I need to keep studying. Got to hang out with some super cool people that really cheered me up. Oh yea, I was sad because I like to analyze why he didn't want to hang out with me. There's nothing wrong with him, he's perfect. I'm just a pshyco bitch that just needs to....take a breather. So to drown my sorrows with all the speculations of what he could be up to I downed 5+ beers which I then threw up to get out of my system. Oh, what a night! I think that's why I stopped caring today.

Plans for the break: So i really want to go to a national park. I don't care where, just any national park. Who's up?? Weekends are taken by work so that's a no-go for all you planning trips out there. I also want to play tennis, run, swim (before it gets cold)

I've also been thinking about halloween for some reason. It's my most beloved holiday of all times. Yeah, take that Christmas! Plans for halloween: make cupcakes, carve pumpkins, make cookies, buy candy....I just can't wait for fall to be here. And I'm excited to wear cardigans and scarves. Le sigh.

last week of summer

....school that is. summer school. i'm looking back and time sure has flown by. it was like yesterday that i went bike riding with a small group. like the other summers i've had, this one i won't forget. i know it's a bit early for my reflection blog of the summer but after having a beer and watching tv for an hour....what the hell.

i'm probably going to miss just me and matt living together but i know were going to have a fun semester with the underclassmen. the apartment is peaceful but we need some life in here. i'm looking forward to the extra company. i know debra and i will end up decking out the place in our lavish craftiness.

compared to last summer i didn't get out that much. possibly due to the 100 degree weather. otherwise i'd be riding my bike to class everyday. also i don't have a demanding boyfriend that forces to exercise because i'm a total fatass! i did run a few times which felt nice. i only do this because i think it'll make me look more tone but how much more tone can i get....and i don't mean this in the conceited way either. there was so much that i feel like i haven't accomplished this summer like i planned. all of which were outdoor activities: more tennis, more swimming, more bike riding, more running.

other than that i filled my time with more indoor activities: watching movies, hanging out with friends, chilling with troy, shopping, partying, painting, decking out my place without the sister. studying some here and there. overall it has been a good summer

i'm also scared what the future holds for me and a close friend i've made this summer. i like him so much and we've been having a lot of fun this summer. we aren't serious enough to discuss how our relationship will progress after the summer...i just can't help but dwell on what's going to happen. the situation is so 50/50 i don't really know what's going to happen.

but hell...still got a week to go.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for seeing you, all for the wrong reasons. Tired of missing you when I shouldn't. I want this to be strictly a summer relationship, but I only want this so I won't get hurt because heartbreak is inevitable. I have to prove to you that I'm not attached, yet I still want you. What do you want from me? We are from two different worlds. Compared to you I haven't lived half as much as you have. You surround yourself with frat-tastic boys, rich kids with cool parents that will buy them liquor. That life is so superficial and as for me, what you see is what you get. I like to see that's what draws you to me. I'm trying more to not judge people based on their parents' income. I've always had a thing against rich kids, maybe because I envied their easy lives. How they got everything they wanted and got away with anything. I especially envy those who are smart just for the hell of it. You are one of them. But I have to understand, you didn't choose your fate. I mean, what are you going to do with all that money anyways. The only thing you can do is spend it. Maybe i should be an anthropologist. Jaja.

he loves me, he loves me not

I find myself falling deeper and deeper for him. I realize this because I miss him uncontrollably when he's not there. We didn't hang out for one day and I freaked out, questioning whether he liked me or not. Of course he does! :P Sadly he won't be making my birthday dinner but I'm fine with that. Just whoever can come would be kosher. I am super pshyched!

I really hope he doesn't know about this blog. This is for follower's eye's only!!!

reality sets in

The summer sure is flying and I really don't want it to end. I want to sit under a tree with boy and soak up the summer. Listen to the song "The Trapeze Swinger" by Iron and Wine and you'll want to just...relax.

summer and bored.

Someone please remind me that I shouldn't have coffee after noon. I have a crashing headache Today has been a sluggish day. The weather is wonderful just don't feel like doing anything at all. But my mind is awake!!!

Got to hang out with my summer boy today. To tell you the truth, I think that's all he really is to me. Just a summer boyfriend. I hope we can stay together through the fall but if we don't...well, I wasn't expecting the whole world from him. So if things don't stay the same I'm totally cool with the way things will turn out. The whole pie chart speech really got to me and that's how I'm really starting to see things.

As for the ex, he plans on visiting me friday for my birthday. This lady friend of his is now actually his girlfriend. I knew it, that punk! We talked a little bit yesterday and he asked me if I had sex recently, to which he'd attack any answer I gave him. If I said "yes" then he'd call me a whore, if I said "no" he'd think that i'm still desperatly in love with him. Lose, lose for me = him being and asshole. I'm having to reconcider whether I should even to to dinner with him.

and sleep sets in.

mid-summer

it's 3 in the morning. the clock posted up is wrong; so what i'm saying is is that i'm a night owl.

new relationships are so fun and fresh, i'm scared of it going to end. he told me that life is a pie chart. there are about 4 small sections and one huge section. that big part of the pie chart is marriage, family, and the most stressful part of your life. it's not neccessarily a bad thing, but why rush into it if you're going to end up there anyways. being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up. these are the best days of our lives.

i feel like i need constant advice for this time in my life and i find i get the best from the one closest to me, debra. she says, "it's your life and no one elses, so live it." in a way, it's like take other people's advice at face value because in the end it affects you and no one else.

at the same time i feel like i got a good catch and i just want to reel him in. i realize this whole time i've been rushing into that big part of that pie chart and for now i just want to slow it down.

4th is this weekend. plans for tomorrow: transformers with dennis, cao nguyen, maybe see a drive in. saturday: sleep, study, drink and blow up stuff. sunday: work, BBQ, aunt spending night; back to square one.

so chill

I realize that when you stop looking someone finds you. What bliss.